Part 10: Grecian BURNS
Magi levels acceptable. Welcome to Apollopolis.
Man, say that three times fast. Apollopolisapollopolisapollopolis. Well played, Door Voice.
Hmm. Just a forest?
Yeah. So far, nothing new.
Well, there's probably a town around here somewhere. We'll just stop by and ask—
Oh, come on. Now they're just showing off.
Swanky. Dang right. A guy could get used to this. Hey, who's the owner of this thing? I bet he's got mad dollar bills.
Welp nevermind Axe sharpened. Ready with the spells. Come on, guys. If he were hostile, we'd know it by now. Just give him a chance, okay? Okay, Roy. We'll do it your way. Make sure you have the battle sword too On it
Our lawyers have advised us not to comment. Except to say that it was pretty badass.
Good for you guys. Really? Yeah. Guy was a power-hungry tyrant. He got what was coming to him. See? They're not so bad. Equip a saber, too. He might be immune to magic. Way ahead of you.
Heya! What can you tell me about your boss?
...such ambition to conquer the world. 
"Away from such?" Like, where did you learn to talk? Heather, that's really rude. I'm to being not offense. Though maybe warranted.
Gag me. Is there anyone here you do like? He's an eyeball. That is so totally nauseating.
Welcome, welcome! Thank you for visiting Apollo's palace. Hey, thanks! I'm Eyevan, the head guardsman. Are you here to see Apollo? Apparently! Well, you're in luck!
He's on the lookout for a group of heroes who are collecting magi, and something tells me he'll be deeply interested in meeting you. Magic at the ready. Like, wait for my mark.
I'm telling you guys, there's nothing to worry about. They've been nothing but nice to us since we showed up. As if! I mean, he's got enough magi to be that powerful, there's nothing stopping him from getting more. Yeah. Besides, after Ashura, I don't trust anybody who calls themselves a god. we'll stay on our toes. But give him the benefit of the doubt, okay? Well, maybe he needs to earn it fir—
Hey. 
Apollo's leitmotif!
Hi! Thanks for seeing us. I'm Roy, and this is— Zero Sigma, Heather DiMarco, and Sara Blackendecker. Wow! You already know who we are? News travels faster than you'd think through the Nexus. You four are amazing warriors—especially given how young you are. Who knows what you'll be capable of in the future? Man, I don't even know what I'm capable of right now!
I heard you prefer Defense magi, Roy, so I got you one. Er. No offense, but what's the catch? Roy! Yeah! He's being totally generous here. No, no, it's a valid question. But, in all honesty...
You really mean that? I'm like eleven feet tall and can set people's hair on fire by giving them funny looks. The absolute last thing I need is more power. That is soooo humble of you~ Besides, if our oracle is right, there's more where that came from. Just a day ago, she delivered a prophecy:
That... doesn't really make a lot of sense. Look, most of the time she just gets hopped up on volcanic gas and starts babbling about whatever crosses her mind. It's worked so far, though! Well, that's what counts. But enough about magi. If you'll allow me, I'd like to— Yes —extend my hospitality. The four of you can spend the night in my palace and enjoy the finest in food and entertainment. You deserve so much more for what you've accomplished, but this'll have to do. Thanks! What do you have for grub around here? Hope you like lemon.Later that night...
Doop dee doo. Waitin' around for everyone.
Hi, Roy! Hi, Sara! Wow, you look great! Thanks! Since we were at Apollo's palace, I thought I'd try dressing up. Have you seen him anywhere? Apollo, I mean. Since we're in his palace. Ha ha. He's hot Not yet. He's probably busy doing god stuff or something. Well, if you see him, tell him where I'm at! If he asks, I mean. I'll just be by the—
Omigod! This place is soooo amazing! ... Have you seen Apollo around, Roy? Nah. It's like I told Sara; I have no idea where he is. Look, I better check on Zero.
TOGA! TOGA! TOGA! BEING GO FOR IT DUDE WOOOOOOOOOO I'll be over there if you need me.
... Nice skirt. Oh, shut up.
Hey, Roy! Hey, Zero. This stuff is great! Have you tried some? Nah. I had a couple of glasses of soda earlier. So this is what the adults are always talking about! You know that's grape juice, right? Check it, I'm gonna shotgun the rest of the bottle!
bzzztover ! Roy? Did you hear that just now?
Dude, are you sure you haven't had any grape juice? Funny. I swear I saw someone... I didn't see anything! Well, guess that answers that.
Detection evaded, Number 2. Number 64 has averted the subject's suspicions. Over.
At least one of you is doing his job. Finish your monitoring duties, then get your ass back to base so I can hand it to you. ...
Hi, Mr. Apollo! Please, just call me Apollo. *giggle* Hi, guys! Oh, hi, Mr. Apollo! Guh! Just call him Apollo! Oh, okay. Anyway, thanks for letting us spend the night. Not a problem. I apologize for not being here sooner, but I like arriving fashionably late. Now... let's get this party started! Yeah!The next day...
...
...
So. Should we talk about what happened with the— NO Okay then.
Whooole lotta fish up in this piece. Well, we are right next to the sea.
Ugh. Why does anyone believe these stories? Sometimes they're true, Heather. I mean, you've already seen some myths that turned out to be real. Uh, no? They're just misunderstandings. It's like someone flicked a lighter and then told you they could cast spells. That's kind of a bad analogy since we have two people that can, y'know, cast spells. It's just so dumb. I mean, entire worlds held up by trees? Gods with four arms and three faces? Some ancient nutso goddess with a chainsaw? Who comes up with these things? ...
I wonder if anyone could get rid of him...! So you want us to march straight into the ocean, find your local god, and punt him in the butt until he stops wrecking your stuff. Would you? That'd be great. Dude, we probably would've done it if you hadn't asked.
Oh man, I missed this stuff. Totally. Apollo was rad and all, but one thing he didn't have was coffee.
Hey guys! What's shakin'?
...into the sea from the headland south of this town. And probably washed up about a mile down the shore.
But there is! Superstitious nonsense! I've already told you once, there's no such...
Woah woah woah. Back up. ? It's a submarine and a volcano?! I know! And he says I'm the crazy one!
Please tell me you accept gold cards here.
Sure do. Cashing in a free drink? Omigod yes please. Our current special is a salted sea salt caramel latte with extra sea salt. Sounds salty! Not as much as you'd think. New around here? Sure are. Any neat stuff to see in this area? Well...
...that you need the eye to see the truth. Is that a proverb? No, I'm literally saying you need an artificial eye in order to see inside a superbright cave. So more of an antiverb.
Alright, everybody's caffeinated and rarin' to go. You know what that means! Shoppiiiiiiiiiiiiiing~ 
Sometimes I think our entire lives revolve around drinking coffee and buying weapons of mass destruction. And it. Is. Awesome!
Hi! Come on in and take a look around. Our selection's a little limited, but— !
We'll take this. Sara, that's really expensive. I think we should— We'll take this. Omigod no. We could totally use that money for—
We. Will Take. This. Sounds good. Yup. One chainsaw, please!
Why are you so obsessed with that stupid saw? It's not stupid. Stop calling it stupid. Your mom had you drinking gasoline. What else do we have to do to convince you? Shut up, Heather! Uh, excuse me? It's still my faith, okay? I love the Lady. She protects me. Even though my mom did bad things, she still sent you guys to save me. Ugh. Fine, worship a power tool. See if I care. You don't get it! It's not a "power tool." It's a symbol of undying love! The chain binds us together! The motor gives us our power! Sara, you're kind of scaring us right now. Stick 'em up! Gimmie all your money!
Ack! The fuel is our blood! The blades are our teeth! We are the Saw! The Saw is us!
And the SAW! IS! FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMILYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYou knew it was coming eventually, so here's the chainsaw! It's not as impressive as the first game's, sadly. In a future update, we'll go into more detail why, but suffice to say we won't be killing any bosses with it. However, it was baked into our story from the start, so into the inventory it goes! (Even if it's a lot of gold for a fairly mediocre weapon, I learned a long time ago that video games are more fun if you treat them as a canvas instead of an exercise in pushing buttons.)
In addition to the chainsaw, we dump a shit-ton of gold into our armor, bringing our loadout to (appropriately) full gold-tier. We also have a lead on two of the oracle's riddles! Right now, we know there's a cave where everything's too bright to see. Also, there's an underwater volcano off the south shore, and that probably counts as fire burning underwater. The only thing left to find is a place where wind blows underground...
I've never seen that before and I never want to see it again. Yeah. That was... gnarly. I'm still worried. I mean, we talk about what kind of influence we have on Sara, but... what kind of influence does she have on us?
She's right, you guys! This sunscreen is delicious! Prrrrrrobably not a good one.
That is some serious business word salad, dude.
No, he's telling the truth. Dunatis, the God of...
... Er. I haven't offended you, have I? 
... It's just that our religion is a bit behind the times, and I wouldn't want you to think that— WHY THE LONG FACE BWA HA HA HA ... Yeah, I think we're done here.
Really?
Yeah. I mean, I haven't seen him do anything. There's just something about him that gives me the heebie-jeebies. I know the feeling. ...
Hey, has anyone ever— No. No, Zero. No fox jokes of any kind. Just no. Ehn. After that last one, I can drop the mic and moonwalk off stage anyway. Whatever. You were saying something about Lynn?
Yeah. Poor thing—her dad's gone missing, and her mom's come down sick. Man. I know how hard that is. Just between you and me, I dunno about her dad. He's always coming and going on these hairbrained adventures. I'm sure he has his reasons. Voice of experience? Yeah.
Hello! Anyone home? It seems wrong to bust into someone's house like this—especially with a sick person inside. Oh, we've done so much worse.
Hello! Sorry to show up out of the blue like this.
I-it's okay. *cough* *cough* Maybe you can help. 
My daugther, Lynn, went...
She does know they sell those at item stores, right? Lynn was always a little slow on the uptake, bless her heart. Hoo boy. Just leave it up to us, ma'am. We have experience with wrangling weirdos. Here's an X-Potion, by the way. Oh! *cough* Thank you! Seriously, they're cheap as heck and you'll probably feel better after drinking it then you did when you were healthy. Flu shots, too. Gotta get those this time of year. Better safe than sorry!
Well, we were headed to the Mountain Cave anyway. We might as well, like, rescue her kid while we're down there. This whole thing has been a cavalcade of dumb from start to finish, hasn't it? *rev* Ready to go! Not helping, Sara. Not helping.Next Time: Bonus Feature—Mr. S Explains It All